Dear My Love,
though i know you will never read this (since i know you'll only go to Mudah.my when you're online), i still wanna say what i want and thank you for all that u have done for me...
Okay..where should i start? or shud it be in English or Malay?..hmmmm..melayu la.. (kot2 abg dpt baca ape b tulis ni 1 hari nanti)..
Abg, b tau b selalu buat abg sedeh dulu, buat abg sakit hati, b lukakan hati abg berkali2, b buat abg menangis siang mlm, b buat abg hilang semangat berbulan2. Dan sampai sekarang b xtau mcm mana nak tebus kesalahan b kat abg. B tau maaf je xkan pernah cukup utk tebus sume salah b kat abg..walau mcm mana pun, b mulakan dgn meminta maaf.. Abg, B minta maaf, minta maaf sangat2 utk segalanye.. rasenye x termampu nak tulis sume salah b sbb mgkin akan amik mase 2 hari 2 mlm kalau nak tulis sume.. Maaf sayang..
Walaupun b penuh dgn kesalahan b, abg masih sudi terima b dlm hidup abg.. Masih sudi sygkn and cintakan b lebih dr b sygkn diri b sendiri. Dulu b mgkn xdpt nak hargai kesetiaan abg sbb b tau abg sentiasa di sisi b. b bodoh and buta tentang tu sume. B x nampak abg yg sentiasa de dpn b.. sekarang bile b sedar, b slalu menangis bile b bygkn sume perbuatan abg and akhirnya abg yg sambut b bile b terjatuh.. Terima kasih sayang.. b rase x terbalas jasa2 abg selama ni.. hilang lah segala kesakitan b, hilang lah segala kesedihan b bila abg kembali dlm hdp b..Trima kaseh sbb abg bwk harapn utk b ketika b rase dunia ni dah xnak trima b..Trima kasey sbb sudi ckp b cantik walaupn b tau rupe b hodoh di pandangnan manusia lain.. trime kaseh sudi melayan kerenah b.. Terima kaseh sudi mendengar celoteh b yg x sudah2 ni.. trime kaseh dgn kata2 ikhlas abg utk kahwin ngn b.. Trime kaseh sbb abg keje keras utk bg b pinjam duit, utk cari duit hantaran b.. B x sanggup tengok abg keje keras mcm tu skali setiap mlm, tp b xmampu nak tlg. abg, b akan bls jase2 abg ni 1 hari nt dgn cara lain. b janji. Insyaallah =)
Kita akan mulakan hidup kita bersama insyaallah. Dan b nak abg tau, b akan setia ngn abg sampai akhir hayat b. B berdoa kita akan bhgia dgn kehidupan sederhana, 3 org anak2 yg sempurna sifat dan sikapnye, dan dgn ketenangan jiwa utk beribadat.. B akan cube jadi isteri yg mampu bg ketenangn kat abg stiap kali abg tengok b.. isteri yg sentiasa dgn abg ketika susah atau senang, isteri yg menjaga maruah abg, isteri yg mampu masak sedap2 utk abg..hehe.. hmm..dgn tu, b tau abg juga akn jadi suami yg baik tuk b..b x mintak byk sayang..ckup la abg sygkn b, sygkn anak2 dan b nak cahaya yg ade dlm mata abg ketika abg pandang b sekarang ni, berkekalan smpai bila2.. b akan cube kawal emosi dan kemarahan b sbb b tau ni antara faktor kite selalu berselisih.. b tau sikap b yg 1 ni buat abg x senang sentiasa..b sdr..abg pimpin la b dlm perjalanan b utk jadi isteri sempurna utk abg.. dan b akan setia dgn abg spnjg perjalanan hdp abg. sampai maut memisahkan kita.syg..
Walaupun b takut jadi tua, tp b menanti saat menjelang usia tua kita.. b nak pimpin tgn abg ketika abg x lagi mampu melihat dunia dan b dgn jelas.. b mau abg berbisik dekat dgn telinga b ketika b dah xmampu mendengar suara dan lafaz kata abg.. Biar lah hidup kita indah di usia emas kita, bhgia dgn anak2 yg soleh dan solehah.. jika dikurniakan cucu, insyaallah.. b nak berada disisi abg.. biarlah b pergi dulu sbb b tau b xmampu tanggung kesedihan abg pergi tinggalkan selamanye.. b nak abg cerita dgn cucu2 kisah kita ..kisah abg dgn b..
B cintakan abg sepenuh jiwa b .. B pernah xpercayakan cinta 1 ketika dulu.. Tp trime kaseh pd abg, abg buat b percaya cinta itu x perlukan balasan.. cinta itu penuh pengorbanan yg hnya mungkin dgn keikhlasan.. cinta itu x memandang rupa kerana segalanya indah dipandang jika cinta itu ikhlas..bkn nya indah kerana cinta itu buta.. cinta tak pernah buta, kerana jika buta mana kan mungkin b nampak betapa abg mencintai b.. I love you..
sincerely,
Kekasih mu..
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Read this when you are at the peak of happiness...
before aku start penuhkan page ni dgn kemarahan, dendam and kekecewaan aku yg penah aku rase dulu, aku cume nak bgtau yg aku sekarang happy dgn hidup aku, aku puas hati dgn ape yg tuhan kurniakan setakat ini.. Dan.. aku bersyukur yg Allah telah tunjukan betapa tak sesuainya engkau sebelum aku sendiri tersedar.. I am glad, Alhamdulillah..
Though i know that you do not want to know how i felt after we broke up, and as much as i assume, you must have been very happy after we ended our relationship because you may freely dating, flirting or even fucking other girls as many as you want. But i still wanna tell you how it was to deal with a break up so u can prepare urself for one in future. I admit, the first 2 months i missed you. It was so hard to erase you from my mind. I have mix feelings about you..To hate you, or to miss u..or even to love u. But then i realize that what i felt towards you was mainly anger and grudge. It kept on increasing day after day so much so that i even have dreams in my sleep where i killed u violently and mercilessly. Phewwh!! and i smiled when i woke up just to show that i am really happy if i can really kill you. You wanna know how much PAIN u caused me the whole time?Why dont you try to stab ur chest, directly to your heart with a blunt blade. Thats just exactly how i felt..while the blood thats coming out? That just how much tears i cried. I langsung x mereka2 cerita pasal ni.. Mmg tu yg i rase sepanjang mase. Nak tau lebih lg? I cant event listen to the songs we used to karaoke together, i cant even listen to the songs you used to frequently played in ur car when we were together, and not even to the song i used as a ringtone when i was with u..Gosh..it hurts so bad that i wanna cry every single fucking time.. You know how does it feel each time i came across those songs? it felt like i wanna lock myself in an unknown white and big room with nothing in it so nothing will remind me about u!!!
U promised me an eternal love, u promised me a future together, u promised me a MARRIAGE for GOd freaking sake!. Then suddenly u told me u have doubts about me and about us?? U come out with all sorts of reasons why we were not meant for each other, Gosh! what were u thinking? If you dont want me, why cant u just tell me on my fucking face that u dont want me.? And that i was just too ugly to walk or even stand beside u, that you find my best friend is much attractive than i was? You know how much it effected me? Just put it this way..i spent almost thousands just to make myself to look good if not better, at least equally beautiful to 'my best friend'. Do u remember ur answer when i asked you about ur feelings towards her? Cant remember? now let me type every fucking word you replied to me
"if i ade perasaan kat dia sekalipun, belum tentu dia ade perasaan kat i"..
Yes, i remember every single thing though i've deleted the text immediately after i read it 5 months ago. Now why dont you put urself in my shoes and imagine the one u LOVEd, ADORED and the one who promised u all the sweetness in the world to you suddenly come out with that killing text, that demands your tears to roll out endlessly..Unless u never loved the women, u wont feel anything if she's in love with ur best friend.. But, i LOVED u, I NEEDED u, I WANTED u to be with me back then but it all come crashing down simply by that one fucking sms reply from you. I can still remember the pain.. It cuts me so deep that i could wish to just loose my memories. What i am telling you now is exactly what i felt the last time.. no bluffing, only the truth..
So many times i pathetically cried over YOU! someone whom i know has never LOVED me at all. While i was crying, u could be out there flirting and fucking every girls. Do you know how it made me feel? i'd rather be in state of comma than to think about u. On our break up, u keep on pointing my mistake to publish what i felt about our shaky relationship on my facebook status, where u were not happy about it?. I remember and i remembered i apologized to you because i know that were my mistakes. I realized i should have never did it. I wanna ask u now.. WILL YOU APOLOGIZE to me for causing months of pains and heartaches to me? At this point, i know that you will never apologize and you are free to think that u're right to have left me, but I just want u to know, Allah MAHA Adil and i believe in KARMA.. That you'll taste the same exact if not more pains as i did when you call it off. You will cry at night, you will have the hard time to sleep when the only thing on your mind is her.. i pray that you will taste all that..
You know what.. I was at the peak of happiness with you when you call it off, when u wanna leave me.. imagine an analogy here..You've asked me to climb a mountain together just so we can look at the beautiful sunset from the top of the mountain. And there u go, u pushed me off the mountain while i am still looking at the bright color of the sunset.
I did not get the chance to tell you all these. i held my grudge very seriously because the truth is, the hatred that i have now is just equal (atau mungkin lebih lg) than the love i used to have toward u..Allah Maha Adil and i hope you can prepare for ur turn as i pray hard that you will get ur part of the pain..
After we ended everything, i ran back to my ex arms.. He wiped the tears away, heal the wound you cut on my heart. Amazingly, he accepted me back though i left him to be with u back then. I heard that you were so jealous of him and thats the main reason why u left me was'nt it? FUCK! Cant u tell me if its really true? cant u just tell me that you do not want me to be in contact with him? i've known him for 7 yrs and you told me countlessly that you'll wait for me till im ready. But u just impatient enough and that just reflects your immaturity! i've fucking told you for so many times that i sacrificed alot, i MEAN really, ALOT just to be with you. I accepted you the way you were, though you do not have a stable job, though i know you're younger than i am, though you're a potential playboy. But u just dont get it do u? Shamelessly here i am telling u, I did loved you, you were everything me back then, however i left him only to let my heart broken by YOU!
Its your right to think that im a bitch to ran back to my ex when you left me.. But before you do, take a look on yourself. You left me, you left me with all sorts of reason, including that u're in love with my best friend. Remember, i left my ex for you, because i wanted you and i thought living with you would sound promising and i love the idea we'd be having family together. And all the time with you, i've tried my hardest to make you happy bcz i know you traveled seremban-kl every time and i just want you to go back home with smiles on your face when u think of me. But that just not enough for you was'nt it? Remember, i have tried hardest to maintain our relationship. the reason why i go back to my ex because i know he will never disappointed me the way you did to me. And yeah, he's taller than you and i can finally wear heels as much as i want, EVERYTIME. ( i said this just to sakitkan hati u). So, think twice before you want to judge to what i do.
Maybe one day i can forgive you.. But i will never forget. These pain u caused, made me pray everyday that nobody in my life will ever experience this, because it was just too painful, hurtful and beyond words.. ape i tulis tu sume ape i rse sebelum ni..skang ni i hepi tp i masih xdpt nak kurangkan rase menyesal i .. menyesal sbb i biarkn diri i terjebak dgn u...menyesal sbb i biar u dtg umah pakcik i..menyesal sbb i approved u dlm facebook i lame dulu..
P/s: i xmampu nak taip dlm bhsa melayu, sbb bunyinye akan lebih kedengaran kejam.. kalau xphm, cari la translator sendiri.
Though i know that you do not want to know how i felt after we broke up, and as much as i assume, you must have been very happy after we ended our relationship because you may freely dating, flirting or even fucking other girls as many as you want. But i still wanna tell you how it was to deal with a break up so u can prepare urself for one in future. I admit, the first 2 months i missed you. It was so hard to erase you from my mind. I have mix feelings about you..To hate you, or to miss u..or even to love u. But then i realize that what i felt towards you was mainly anger and grudge. It kept on increasing day after day so much so that i even have dreams in my sleep where i killed u violently and mercilessly. Phewwh!! and i smiled when i woke up just to show that i am really happy if i can really kill you. You wanna know how much PAIN u caused me the whole time?Why dont you try to stab ur chest, directly to your heart with a blunt blade. Thats just exactly how i felt..while the blood thats coming out? That just how much tears i cried. I langsung x mereka2 cerita pasal ni.. Mmg tu yg i rase sepanjang mase. Nak tau lebih lg? I cant event listen to the songs we used to karaoke together, i cant even listen to the songs you used to frequently played in ur car when we were together, and not even to the song i used as a ringtone when i was with u..Gosh..it hurts so bad that i wanna cry every single fucking time.. You know how does it feel each time i came across those songs? it felt like i wanna lock myself in an unknown white and big room with nothing in it so nothing will remind me about u!!!
U promised me an eternal love, u promised me a future together, u promised me a MARRIAGE for GOd freaking sake!. Then suddenly u told me u have doubts about me and about us?? U come out with all sorts of reasons why we were not meant for each other, Gosh! what were u thinking? If you dont want me, why cant u just tell me on my fucking face that u dont want me.? And that i was just too ugly to walk or even stand beside u, that you find my best friend is much attractive than i was? You know how much it effected me? Just put it this way..i spent almost thousands just to make myself to look good if not better, at least equally beautiful to 'my best friend'. Do u remember ur answer when i asked you about ur feelings towards her? Cant remember? now let me type every fucking word you replied to me
"if i ade perasaan kat dia sekalipun, belum tentu dia ade perasaan kat i"..
Yes, i remember every single thing though i've deleted the text immediately after i read it 5 months ago. Now why dont you put urself in my shoes and imagine the one u LOVEd, ADORED and the one who promised u all the sweetness in the world to you suddenly come out with that killing text, that demands your tears to roll out endlessly..Unless u never loved the women, u wont feel anything if she's in love with ur best friend.. But, i LOVED u, I NEEDED u, I WANTED u to be with me back then but it all come crashing down simply by that one fucking sms reply from you. I can still remember the pain.. It cuts me so deep that i could wish to just loose my memories. What i am telling you now is exactly what i felt the last time.. no bluffing, only the truth..
So many times i pathetically cried over YOU! someone whom i know has never LOVED me at all. While i was crying, u could be out there flirting and fucking every girls. Do you know how it made me feel? i'd rather be in state of comma than to think about u. On our break up, u keep on pointing my mistake to publish what i felt about our shaky relationship on my facebook status, where u were not happy about it?. I remember and i remembered i apologized to you because i know that were my mistakes. I realized i should have never did it. I wanna ask u now.. WILL YOU APOLOGIZE to me for causing months of pains and heartaches to me? At this point, i know that you will never apologize and you are free to think that u're right to have left me, but I just want u to know, Allah MAHA Adil and i believe in KARMA.. That you'll taste the same exact if not more pains as i did when you call it off. You will cry at night, you will have the hard time to sleep when the only thing on your mind is her.. i pray that you will taste all that..
You know what.. I was at the peak of happiness with you when you call it off, when u wanna leave me.. imagine an analogy here..You've asked me to climb a mountain together just so we can look at the beautiful sunset from the top of the mountain. And there u go, u pushed me off the mountain while i am still looking at the bright color of the sunset.
I did not get the chance to tell you all these. i held my grudge very seriously because the truth is, the hatred that i have now is just equal (atau mungkin lebih lg) than the love i used to have toward u..Allah Maha Adil and i hope you can prepare for ur turn as i pray hard that you will get ur part of the pain..
After we ended everything, i ran back to my ex arms.. He wiped the tears away, heal the wound you cut on my heart. Amazingly, he accepted me back though i left him to be with u back then. I heard that you were so jealous of him and thats the main reason why u left me was'nt it? FUCK! Cant u tell me if its really true? cant u just tell me that you do not want me to be in contact with him? i've known him for 7 yrs and you told me countlessly that you'll wait for me till im ready. But u just impatient enough and that just reflects your immaturity! i've fucking told you for so many times that i sacrificed alot, i MEAN really, ALOT just to be with you. I accepted you the way you were, though you do not have a stable job, though i know you're younger than i am, though you're a potential playboy. But u just dont get it do u? Shamelessly here i am telling u, I did loved you, you were everything me back then, however i left him only to let my heart broken by YOU!
Its your right to think that im a bitch to ran back to my ex when you left me.. But before you do, take a look on yourself. You left me, you left me with all sorts of reason, including that u're in love with my best friend. Remember, i left my ex for you, because i wanted you and i thought living with you would sound promising and i love the idea we'd be having family together. And all the time with you, i've tried my hardest to make you happy bcz i know you traveled seremban-kl every time and i just want you to go back home with smiles on your face when u think of me. But that just not enough for you was'nt it? Remember, i have tried hardest to maintain our relationship. the reason why i go back to my ex because i know he will never disappointed me the way you did to me. And yeah, he's taller than you and i can finally wear heels as much as i want, EVERYTIME. ( i said this just to sakitkan hati u). So, think twice before you want to judge to what i do.
Maybe one day i can forgive you.. But i will never forget. These pain u caused, made me pray everyday that nobody in my life will ever experience this, because it was just too painful, hurtful and beyond words.. ape i tulis tu sume ape i rse sebelum ni..skang ni i hepi tp i masih xdpt nak kurangkan rase menyesal i .. menyesal sbb i biarkn diri i terjebak dgn u...menyesal sbb i biar u dtg umah pakcik i..menyesal sbb i approved u dlm facebook i lame dulu..
P/s: i xmampu nak taip dlm bhsa melayu, sbb bunyinye akan lebih kedengaran kejam.. kalau xphm, cari la translator sendiri.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Cleared and Clarified... and another idiotic act..
after all the assumptions, all the stalking and connecting memorabilia, eventually i have to call her up and get things to be clarified. And yeah, i felt much much better. My chest felt..light..cleared..pain had been pumped out along with my tears. Yet i am still aware of the possibility that could happen between them. If that happens, i hope at that moment, i am already a happy married women blessed with a beautiful baby. But all i want is for my friendship with Ms Aishwarya to be they way it was before.
Few days ago, i was quite surprised when Si Buncit Tak Matang (SBTM) had unblocked me on his FB. Well, honestly i think it was a good start for him to be a matured man. Thus, i have no intention at all to block him on my FB even though i have no idea the reason behind his act. whatever it is, i just could not care less. Then suddenly today, i went to Ms Aishwarya's page to comment some of her status, but i just could not see SBTM anymore. So, i know already he has blocked me again. I was like ..WTF? Poor him..I pray he'll grow up soon and to realise how idiotic he was.
i think i am at 98% of getting over him and i think i can see him once and return the his items that are still with me. Yeah, i will try not to slap him or kick his balls.
Few days ago, i was quite surprised when Si Buncit Tak Matang (SBTM) had unblocked me on his FB. Well, honestly i think it was a good start for him to be a matured man. Thus, i have no intention at all to block him on my FB even though i have no idea the reason behind his act. whatever it is, i just could not care less. Then suddenly today, i went to Ms Aishwarya's page to comment some of her status, but i just could not see SBTM anymore. So, i know already he has blocked me again. I was like ..WTF? Poor him..I pray he'll grow up soon and to realise how idiotic he was.
i think i am at 98% of getting over him and i think i can see him once and return the his items that are still with me. Yeah, i will try not to slap him or kick his balls.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Merry Merry Christmas to me..all i want for Christmas is..or..are...
Christmas eve now.. some are heading out from their home to celebrate, while others are heading back home to see the love ones, to spend time and have a proper dinner for celebration..Im here to writing and expressing all the disturbances that have been going on in my mind all day. All I want for Christmas is just my happiness that used to be so easy on eyes, and easy to get. But why now it seems to run away from me so fast that i could not chase it?..
God, i know i have been such a bad hamba to you.. but as far as i know, i have never done bad to others and as much as can i refuse to be the source of any conflicts. But now here i am looking like a sad excuse since the day i have my trust broken to pieces. I am seeking Your Forgiveness and strength to go through all this by myself. I a m now asking for my happiness, the sense of belongingness, sense to love and be loved. Please Allah...i am asking for a peaceful journey till the end of my life. Allow me to say Your name before my body left lifeless..
As i am aware, revenge and grudge can only lead to another heartache and sin. However, i am praying to you Allah, please let me see and know when he finally taste the pain he caused to me all this while. His pain can cure my pain. Is that too much? Please Allah.. I know You are the most Just and All- Knowing..
God, i know i have been such a bad hamba to you.. but as far as i know, i have never done bad to others and as much as can i refuse to be the source of any conflicts. But now here i am looking like a sad excuse since the day i have my trust broken to pieces. I am seeking Your Forgiveness and strength to go through all this by myself. I a m now asking for my happiness, the sense of belongingness, sense to love and be loved. Please Allah...i am asking for a peaceful journey till the end of my life. Allow me to say Your name before my body left lifeless..
As i am aware, revenge and grudge can only lead to another heartache and sin. However, i am praying to you Allah, please let me see and know when he finally taste the pain he caused to me all this while. His pain can cure my pain. Is that too much? Please Allah.. I know You are the most Just and All- Knowing..
Saturday, December 18, 2010
18/12/2010 (had a long chat with some close friends and i came to these thoughts))
I know its not Love, i know its not affections that cause all these memories. I know that what i want is his heart (literally) in my hand so i can squeze it right before his eyes and right before i end his sufferings so he can taste an absolute pain. I know it sounds so psychopathic and i know i will never get a chance to do such thing so long i am still a sane woman (Police,or other legal bodies, please do not get me wrong, i am a NORMAL hearbroken girl, and those are only unusual symptoms)).
Ok..lets write a lil drama and truth here...Because of this motherf**ker, i lost trust on my best friend, i lost my self confidence and to gain it i've spent thousand to make myself look good, i went out shopping impulsively to sooth the pain, i am so desperate to loose weight just to show him that i can be as beautiful as my best friend. But at the end iknow i can never compete with her. Its not her to be blamed, its me who was too naive to believe that this f**king dude would love me, would want an ugly girl to walk beside him all the time. Well, realizing the ugly truth, i ran back into Yuz's arms as i know he wont mind having an ugly b*tch as his gf, wont mind hugging and kissing this fat woman. After all, iknow he has sacrificed alot for me and he has never ask for a return, except for my love and loyalty. I love this man, i can never repay him for what he did (and still doing) for me. Look, i love him but my heart is just too empty to accept all his words (simply because he's a man). but i know someday i will repay all my debts to him with my loyalty and some love to be developed in a later stage of life. God, help me to be strong so i can be his strength through out his life. Amin..
All other friends find her to be flirtatious with that motherfucker. Not to portray a goodie me, but as much as i can i want to keep this friendship. That i think thats just her, and she is herself,again she is not to be blamed. I am trying not to see things from a dark side, trying to believe that the world still have some fairness here and there. However, now i think the angels and the devils in me are in a duel and the winner yet to be determined. What am i gonna do? My biggest fear came to me when i least expect it.. Which then lead to unreadiness, and a complete numbness.. what am i gonna do?...
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