Cleared and Clarified... and another idiotic act..

after all the assumptions, all the stalking and connecting memorabilia, eventually i have to call her up and get things to be clarified. And yeah, i felt much much better. My chest felt..light..cleared..pain had been pumped out along with my tears. Yet i am still aware of the possibility that could happen between them. If that happens, i hope at that moment, i am already a happy married women blessed with a beautiful baby. But all i want is for my friendship with Ms Aishwarya to be they way it was before.

Few days ago, i was quite surprised when Si Buncit Tak Matang (SBTM) had unblocked me on his FB. Well, honestly i think it was a good start for him to be a matured man. Thus, i have no intention at all to block him on my FB even though i have no idea the reason behind his act. whatever it is, i just could not care less. Then suddenly today, i went to Ms Aishwarya's page to comment some of her status, but i just could not see SBTM anymore. So, i know already he has blocked me again. I was like ..WTF? Poor him..I pray he'll grow up soon and to realise how idiotic he was.


i think i am at 98% of getting over him and i think i can see him once and return the his items that are still with me. Yeah, i will try not to slap him or kick his balls.

Merry Merry Christmas to me..all i want for Christmas is..or..are...

Christmas eve now.. some are heading out from their home to celebrate, while others are heading back home to see the love ones, to spend time and have a proper dinner for celebration..Im here to writing and expressing all the disturbances that have been going on in my mind all day. All I want for Christmas is just my happiness that used to be so easy on eyes, and easy to get. But why now it seems to run away from me so fast that i could not chase it?..

God, i know i have been such a bad hamba to you.. but as far as i know, i have never done bad to others and as much as can i refuse to be the source of any conflicts. But now here i am looking like a sad excuse since the day i have my trust broken to pieces. I am seeking Your Forgiveness and strength to go through all this by myself. I a m now asking for my happiness, the sense of belongingness, sense to love and be loved. Please Allah...i am asking for a peaceful journey till the end of my life. Allow me to say Your name before my body left lifeless..


As i am aware, revenge and grudge can only lead to another heartache and sin. However, i am praying to you Allah, please let me see and know when he finally taste the pain he caused to me all this while. His pain can cure my pain. Is that too much? Please Allah.. I know You are the most Just and All- Knowing..

18/12/2010 (had a long chat with some close friends and i came to these thoughts))

I know its not Love, i know its not affections that cause all these memories. I know that what i want is his heart (literally) in my hand so i can squeze it right before his eyes and right before i end his sufferings so he can taste an absolute pain. I know it sounds so psychopathic and i know i will never get a chance to do such thing so long i am still a sane woman (Police,or other legal bodies, please do not get me wrong, i am a NORMAL hearbroken girl, and those are only unusual symptoms)).

Ok..lets write a lil drama and truth here...Because of this motherf**ker, i lost trust on my best friend, i lost my self confidence and to gain it i've spent thousand to make myself look good, i went out shopping impulsively to sooth the pain, i am so desperate to loose weight just to show him that i can be as beautiful as my best friend. But at the end iknow i can never compete with her. Its not her to be blamed, its me who was too naive to believe that this f**king dude would love me, would want an ugly girl to walk beside him all the time. Well, realizing the ugly truth, i  ran back into Yuz's arms as i know he wont mind having an ugly b*tch as his gf, wont mind hugging and kissing this fat woman. After all, iknow he has sacrificed alot for me and he has never ask for a return, except for my love and loyalty. I love this man, i can never repay him for what he did (and still doing) for me. Look, i love him but my heart is just too empty to accept all his words (simply because he's a man). but i know someday i will repay all my debts to him with my loyalty and some love to be developed in a later stage of life. God, help me to be strong so i can be his strength through out his life. Amin..

All other friends find her to be flirtatious with that motherfucker. Not to portray a goodie me, but as much as i can i want to keep this friendship. That i think thats just her, and she is herself,again she is not to be blamed. I am trying not to see things from a dark side, trying to believe that the world still have some fairness here and there. However, now i think the angels and the devils in me are in a duel and the winner yet to be determined. What am i gonna do? My biggest fear came to me when i least expect it.. Which then lead to unreadiness, and a complete numbness.. what am i gonna do?...